It’s been another long period since last I wrote. I can only blame myself though I’ll mention a thought that’s been occupying a small space in my mind.
Your mind needs to breathe. Your mind, like your lungs, needs to take in deep, swelling voluminous breaths in order to exhale fresh and pure ideas. I’m not going to use work as an excuse but a reason why I haven’t written, or been able to do much creative pieces or works over the last few weeks is because my mind has been (kinda) choked by an ever increasing weight of city clutter, like bills and job applications and office protocol.
On the way home on the train today a man started talking to me about his work and after I told him I worked for a charity he told me how he was dying to do some good with his time. He seemed oxygen deprived. Like his mind, or perhaps his soul, had been suffocated for a while.
Anyway, in my desperation I took on 2 video projects over the weekend, one a paid gig and the other a strictly creative collaboration (that means ‘no money’ in pretentious filmmaker language! haha). I did them if only to let my mind breathe. I’ll try to get them out asap whilst momentum is strong and my mind’s breast is still swollen with pure crisp air. Then back to the grindhouse!
I’m absolutely drained. I think I used up today (monday) the energy I’d usually use up in a week. Not because I ran around and did press ups or wrote long essays. I think it’s because I gave in to an unrelenting force of grey mediocrity in terms of creative ideas and concepts for an upcoming campaign. I fought my corner without being obnoxious. I did my best to acknowledge the case for the other side (which in the end, won, in its bland uninspiring essence). But anyway. You can’t win them all and I totally accept that maybe my pitch wasn’t good enough today.
I guess that’s how it is when you work in a field which needs you to invest yourself personally. You can’t expect to come up with ideas you’re passionate about and when the ideas are then dismissed (or in my case, humoured then dismissed) it leaves you empty for the rest of the day.
But I read a few passages in Imam al Haddad’s book Book of Assistance after a friend returned it from a long loan. In it he asks us to be sure of our intentions for our actions; that they be pure and for the right reasons, unfettered by our ego’s secret ambitions. After reading that, and he says it more beautifully than I do justice here, I felt better. I (hope I) realised that in the end if my ideas are not fully taken on board it’s not my place to worry about that so long as I’ve done the best possible job I can on what I’m left with. That’s all the donor and beneficiary can ask of me. (I work for a non-profit organisation btw).
There are still a number of overseas visits coming where I’ll be visiting people who have escaped such horrible conflicts. I’ll do my best on those and regain my energy.